Groans Groans
Ghandi
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a:
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Baseball
The orchestra had nearly finished performing Beethoven's favorite symphony. But the hall was getting unbearably hot, so the ventilators were turned all the way up. They were really noisy, and the resultant draft in the hall meant that the sheets of music had to be tied down. The bass players got tired of this, so they went out for a couple of drinks, and were quite drunk when one of them slipped on the sidewalk on the way home. The incident was reported in the newspapers as:
"It was the bottom of the Ninth. The score was tied, the basses loaded, and the fans were roaring wildly when the third bass slid home."
Bank Loan
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up to the loan officer.
The frog says, "Hi, what's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. Can I help you?"The frog says, "Yes, I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. He says, "Okay, what's your name?
The frog says, "Kermit Jagger."
The loan officer says, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
The frog says, "Yeah, he's my dad."The loan officer says, "Okay. Ummm...do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands the loan officer a pink ceramic elephant and says, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Hmmm...I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager."
The frog says, "Oh, tell him I said 'Hi!' He knows me."The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, but here's this frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing, I'm not even sure what it is."
The manager says:
"It's a nick-nack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
Coughing
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything ...but all he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the coughdrops at the coffin ...and of course.......
... the coffin stops!
Vampires
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy, and ended up in Venice.
On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later, they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry ... and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal, and decided to have seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first. Sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. Our vampires are now fairly full, but decide to get dessert. In a short while, a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had a marvelous dinner but that it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled ... because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail, and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge ... feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:
"Drained wops keep fallin' on my head"..
Dolphins
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with:
"Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
Emergency
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
And she said:
"Those are my emergency flashers."
Legionnaires
These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.
"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"
And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps:
"Zat was an 'am bush."
Bear
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says:
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Moles
There was a family of moles that lived in a hole just outside a farmhouse. There was Papa mole, Mama mole and itty-bitty Baby mole.
One morning Papa mole woke up and peeking outside said, "I smell pancakes!" Hearing that, Mama mole scurried up the hole and squeezed in next to Papa mole, sniffed the air and said: "Mmmm, I smell maple syrup!"
This got Baby mole's attention and he ran up the hole and tried to peek out but found his mother and father were blocking the entrance. To which he said:
"All I smell is moleasses!"
Ringer
The priest of a small town was in need of a new bell ringer for his church. He placed advertisements in all the local papers but never got any responses. One day, a man with no arms showed up at his church.
"I've come for the job you advertised." said the man.
"But you've got no arms." indicated the priest, "How can you possibly ring our church bell?"
"I'll show you." said the man.
So the priest took the man to the top of the bell tower and showed him the bell. At this point the man backed to the edge of the tower, took a full run at the bell, and struck the bell with his head. To the priest's surprise, the bell made a beautiful pealing sound such had never been heard before, so he immediately hired the man as the new bell ringer.
Things went well for several months until one day the priest was walking by the church bell tower and noticed a crowd of people standing there. He went over to the crowd who was surrounding a body on the ground. Upon closer examination, the priest recognized him as the man he had hired and who must have fallen from the bell tower.
One of the people turned to the priest and asked: "Who is this man? We need to notify his family of his untimely death."
To which the priest replied:
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."
Ringer 2
Well, the priest realized that he needed a replacement for the dead bell ringer so again he placed advertisements in all the local papers. Again he received no responses until another man with no arms showed up at his church.
"I've come for the job you advertised." said the man. "I'm the brother of your previous bell ringer."
"Well," said the priest "if you can ring like your brother, you've got the job."
Well, the new bell ringer used the same technique as his dead brother and the bell let out a beautiful pealing sound as it had before.
Several months passed and again the priest noticed a crowd at the foot of the bell tower. He went over to the crowd who was, once again, surrounding a body on the ground. The body of the new bell ringer.
One of the townspeople again turned to the priest and asked: "Who is this man? We need to notify his family of his death."
To which the priest replied:
"I don't know his name either, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I.C.U.
It was overheard that the USA Olympic Gold medal skier, Picabo (Peek-A-Boo) Street, is donating the money she gets from endorsements to the local hospital in Denver. In return, they are going to name a wing of the hospital after her. It will be called:
"Picabo, I.C.U."
Vultures
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Running
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead
outside!"The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says:
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."
Flowers
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A Sea Story
A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to halt. After hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the CPO ordered the sailor: "Take this broom and sweep every link on the anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up the broom and started to perform his charge. As he took his first swipe at the chain, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor shook the broom and yelled at the bird to leave, but it wouldn't let go. The lad grabbed the tern, removed it from the handle, and threw it overboard. A few seconds later, the bird returned and alit again on the broom handle, and again the sailor gave it the old heave ho.
The sailor went through the same routine over and over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he could sweep at the chain only once or twice before the blasted bird returned.
When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What the hell have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What's your excuse now, sailor?" he barked.
"Honest, chief," came the abject reply, as he told his story, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree..... "I'm really hungry", said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK" said the first. They plopped down, and began laying in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought......
"I love basking robins."
Brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"
Woodworking
A small, recently remodeled church decided that they needed a bulletin board in their foyer and called upon a local master carpenter to build one for them. The master carpenter was told that he could select any wood that he thought appropriate for the project but with the provision that no fasteners be embedded in their newly built granite facade walls. The master carpenter assured the church members that it would be no problem to glue the bulletin board to the new walls and therefore spare the need to drill into their new granite.
Now this master carpenter ran a very busy operation and felt that this particular job did not warrant his personal attention. He assigned the task to his chief apprentice, a somewhat proud lad, with several years of experience to his credit. The apprentice went to the stock area and selected a beautiful piece of walnut and very shortly had crafted a bulletin board.
He set off for the church and in short order had it epoxied to the wall. He left for the shop and upon arriving was chagrined to be met by the master carpenter and told that the new bulletin board had fallen off the wall and broken.
Back to the stock room went the apprentice and selected a fine piece of pine and recreated his bulletin board design. He went back to the church and glued it to the wall. He lingered at the jobsite for the better part of an hour just to insure that this time the bulletin board would indeed, stick to the wall. Taking his leave of the church the apprentice returned to the shop where he was once more met by the master carpenter. This time the master carpenter was in an advanced state of pistivity and contemplated dismissing the apprentice outright.
Sensing that a lesson could be taught to the proud apprentice, the master carpenter told the lad that he would handle this project himself after all. He selected a lovely piece of Burr Oak and had a nice bulletin board crafted in short order. He delivered it to the church and glued it to the wall. After assuring the church elders that there would be no further disappointments, he immediately returned to his busy shop.
The following Sunday the apprentice went to the church just to see for himself if the bulletin board was still in place. Sure enough, it looked stunning on the foyer wall. Humbled, the apprentice approached the master carpenter on Monday morning and meekly asked what the master had done differently to successfully complete the project.
"Your error young man was in the selection of materials." As anyone knows,
"If it ain't Burr Oak, don't affix it."
Trout
Two trout are dining in a restaurant when one of them starts waving his empty glass in the air. The head waiter turns to another waiter and says,
"I think there's a fish out of water."
William Tell
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we will never know...
for whom the Tells bowled.
Patience
A man notices that he's shrinking.
He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.
The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and schedule an appointment for the following day.
On the morning of his appointment, he checks his height again. He has shrunk a whole foot!! The man races to the doctor's office as fast as possible.
He bursts in the door, runs past the nurse's station and rams down the door to the doctor's office. "Doc! Doc!, you gotta help me."
The doctor says "Calm down sir, what's the problem?"
The man says excitedly "Doc! I'm shrinking! I don't know what to do. You've got to help me, quick!"
The doctor looks at the man and says:
"I'm sorry, sir, but you're just going to have to be a little patient."
Anthropology
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said,
"Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Squaws
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove...
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Clockworks
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression,
"He who has a Tates is lost!"
Commode
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
Malady
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on."
Viking
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying,
"I must have taken Leif off my census."
Puns
This guy concocted 10 puns and and entered them in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately,
no pun in ten did!
Shipwreck
There was an interesting article in this morning's edition of the paper. There was a collision between two cargo ships in the North Atlantic. One was carrying red paint; the other was carrying purple paint.
The crew was marooned.
Wall to Wall
There was the man who went fishing one day and accidently dropped his billfold overboard. Hurriedly he grabbed his net so he could retrieve it. When he looked down, he was amazed to see two fish merrily tossing the billfold back and forth in a fishy little game. "Wow!" cried the fisherman,
"Carp to carp walleting!"
Dental Plan
A man goes to see his dentist due to a severe problem with some dental work. The dentist starts the exam and exclaims, "Holy Cow, the plate I installed in your mouth a few months ago is almost corroded in half. What in the world have you been eating?"
The man responds, "Well, a few months ago, my wife served some asparagus tips with a sauce over it that she called a 'Hollandaise Sauce'. It was so delicious, I couldn't get enough of it so I've been using it over eggs, over meat, over fish, over just about everything!"
"That must be it then," explains the dentist. "You see, Hollandaise Sauce is made with lemon juice and it must be the acids in the lemon juice that's caused all this corrosion. I'll have to replace the plate but this time I'll use a chrome plate."
"Why chrome?" asks the man.
"Because," explains the dentist, "everyone knows........."
"There's No Plate Like Chrome For The Hollandaise!"
Grocery Clerk
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines. The manager says "No".
The bag boy asks, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager says, "I'm sorry, but...baggers can't be juicers."
Amazing Grace
A woodworker who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the woodworker's lawn, so he had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the he was working on a ww machine in his back yard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the woodworker went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.
Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
Killer
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath tub. The tub had been filled with milk and
cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his mouth...Police suspect a cereal killer...
Potatoes
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because...
He was just a common tater!
Bear 2
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to NY and on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.
The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.
They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
"The Czech is in the male"
Bazaar
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, & are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.
So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."
The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied,
"Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"
Mad Scientist
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.
A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"
And the policeman's answer was:"Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."
Jump Start
So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place." Our Hero goes back to his car but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free. Back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says:
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything."
Multiplication
You know the story of Noah's Ark, of course. Well, after the flood when the ark came to rest on Ararat, Noah
released all the animals, and held a meeting and explained to them that the Lord wanted them to be fruitful and multiply and repopulate the earth. Then he sent them out about it. In a week he went around to check on things. Well, the place was humming with activity: the insects had all reproduced of course, so there were flies, mosquitos, bees and so on, and the small animals like the mice and hamsters were pregnant, the birds were building nests and the other animals were getting about the courting process, all except the two snakes, down by the stream in a swampy bit no one else wanted. They were just lying there, curled up on two rocks in the sun."Hey, be fruitful and multiply!" Noah told them. The male snake raised his head and said, "Don't sweat it!"
So Noah went back to his business.
A couple of weeks later Noah made another trip around. Well, the insects were into the third generation already, and the place was fairly hopping with baby hamsters, mice, bunnies, and so on. The cat and the dog were both pregnant, and the birds were all sitting clutches of eggs. Even some of the larger animals were showing signs of mating. All but the snakes. The only sign of activity there was the two had changed rocks.
Noah again enjoined them to get with it. "We're cool!" The male snake assured him.
A few weeks later Noah again made the rounds. By now the place was beginning to look fairly bursting with animals. Almost all the large animals were pregnant by now, and many birds had hatched, there was a litter of kittens, and the dog was expecting her litter any minute.
Noah however hurried down to the stream to see the snakes. He found them chopping down trees, sawing the wood into logs and building furniture!
"Will you two get with it!" He said. "Don't sweat it, everything is under control!" The male snake replied.
Well, a few weeks later Noah again took a look around. By now even the elephant was pregnant, and the place was alive with baby animals. But again Noah hurried down to check on those snakes. When he got there, the area around the stream was positively wiggling with baby snakes.
Which of course proves:
"Anybody can multiply with log tables!"
Twins
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal, to which her husband replies:
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Chess
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" They asked. To which the manager replied:
"I hate chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".
Weevils
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as:
"The lesser of two weevils"
Eskimos
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that:
"You can't have your kayak and heat it too."
Buddhists
Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novacain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication
Pa
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west, slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!"
Kitchen Renovation
"Bum" Bill Flaherty made a pretty good living duplicating Government documents -- the green kind. He owned an average house, which he deliberately allowed to acquire a rather seedy appearance. The lawn was messily maintained; the living room, visible through the picture window, was cheaply furnished with a small black and white TV, a second hand couch and a large rug that looked about fifth-hand. The room needed painting. The rest of the house, with all windows curtained, was tastefully and expensively furnished. About two-thirds of the basement was finished off into guest and family rooms. A door concealed behind a shallow cupboard led to the rest of the basement, which was BumBill's "workshop".
The family owned a middle-aged Chevy and a thorough rattletrap of an old Ford pickup which looked like something the city should condemn, but under the hoods they were superbly maintained. BumBill was accomplished in his field, and well understood the need for a "low profile". His friends assumed that Bill was eccentric (well...he was) and simply concerned with avoiding break-ins. Bill nurtured this tale, but his main concerns were the IRS and the Department of the Treasury.
BumBill's wife, Maureen, had sat down and designed a complete "makeover" of the kitchen. Bill looked over her drawings, made a few suggestions (most of which Maureen vetoed) and took the papers to a few contractors he knew to solicit estimates. Bill let the contractors know (Oh, so gracefully!) that he would be willing to pay cash, no receipts and no questions asked, for work well done, and not discussed. Wanting things done as competently as possible, Bill sought the _highest_ bidder.
The work took about three weeks, since old, eccentric Bill Flaherty insisted on the materials being brought in at night, and the workers had to park a block or so away, and come to the house one at a time. Still, they were well paid, so a little eccentricity was to be tolerated.
The last day of work, it was the contractor himself who walked with Maureen and Bill around the room, pleased with their exclamations of delight and satisfaction. As they were getting ready to wrap things up, the contractor noticed that one of the shorter kitchen counters wobbled a bit on its frame support. From his pocket he removed a Leatherman Tool and a Swiss Army Knife, and with these two do-it-alls, he removed and refitted the counter properly.
Even more pleased, Bill asked Maureen to pour the gentleman a drink while Bill went and got the last of his payment.
No one saw BumBill get the money, but we may safely assume that he went to the basement and entered a certain hidden room....
After the contractor left, Maureen asked Bill, "Did you pay him with some of your funny money?""Certainly," replied Bill. "After all, he's a very good counter fitter."
Eye Test
Did you hear about the web site with eye exercises to help alleviate eye strain when you've been working on-line too long?
It's a site for sore eyes.
Sporting Dog
My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday.
Bad Minton.
Veterinarian
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone"). The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").
After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."
Reservations
An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes home with an electrical engineering degree. The first thing that the chief wants his son to do is to install electric lights in the outhouse as there are too many people stumbling around in the dark. The son installs the lights and is therefore known as...
the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
Fisherman's Friend
A fisherman's boat capsized and dumped him into the shark infested waters. He survived for eighteen hours by taking small pieces of bait and throwing them some distance away when the sharks would come too close. This all goes to prove...
Some days, a fisherman's best friend is his chum.
Math
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Birds
A married man had only one complaint: his wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favorite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin. In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a shivering little wren she found out in the snow.
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these !#(@ birds!"
The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid-sentence:"Please, Dear, no cursing in front of the chilled wren."
Titanic
Many stories have come to us from the tragic sinking of the great ship, the Titanic. Some are not as well known as others. Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. To date this would have been the largest shipment ever exported to Mexico.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so, that they declared a National Day of mourning which they still observe today.It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Indy
A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of my people in my tribe have nipples, " she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all" asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.
Running Doe repliedWe're called The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred
Noah
So one day God calls down to Noah...and says:
"Noah, I want you to build another Ark, but this time I don't just want a couple of decks - I want 20 decks, one on top of the other."
"Twenty decks!?", screams Noah, "Well, OK, whatever you say. Should I fill it with all the animals, just like last time?"
"No, this time I just want fish...carp to be exact.", answers God.
Noah looks to the skies, "OK, God, let me get this right...you want a New Ark with 20 decks, one on top of the other? And you want it full of carp?"
"That's right", replies God.
Why?" asks Noah."Dunno really", says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark."
Psychic
A short psychic escapes from prison.
Newscasters report that there is a small medium at large!
Nut
An inmate at an insane asylum got loose, violated one of the nurses and escaped the asylum.
Headlines report: "Nut screws and bolts."
Porpoises
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,"That would be defeeting the porpoise."
Ice Cream
A new koan:
If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.It is an ice cream koan.
Choir
It was visitors day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully. Each of them was also holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard,"
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What is the group called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.
It's the Moron Tapanapple Choir.
Flies
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, . . .
"but is this stool taken?"
OJ
That's as bad as the fella' who lost his job at the orange juice factory because he couldn't concentrate.
He got squeezed out of a job.
They beat him to a pulp before they canned him.
Atoms
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies"Yes, I'm positive."
Vicks
Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway.
He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it.
Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule:
If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.
Termite
A Termite walks into a pub and asks:
"Where's the bar tender?"
Balance
As a man approaches the teller's window at a bank, he trips and almost falls, catching himself on the window ledge. The teller remarks,
"Apparently, sir, you're here to get your balance."
Culture
Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out. We don't serve Your Kind in here."
The first cup of yogurt responds,
"Why not? We're cultured."
Pope I
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and as a young man aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, resulting in the loss of his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a military chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy. After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.
In 1997, Father Grapje (now an Archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in trapping scores of miners deep in the earth. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer comfort and last rites to those too severely injured to move. While underground another shaft collapsed and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe (but rare) condition known as purpura. This condition is the result of extensive underground time and exposure to the high silver content in the mine's air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners. For his heroism and selfless service to others, the church elevated him to Cardinal.
With the passing of Pope John Paul II, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a new Pope from their ranks. Although Cardinal Grape devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor and holy man; church leaders agree he will never ascend to the Papacy.
After all, no one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
Pope II
Now that world Christianity has a new papal leader from Germany, it is time to report on the guy who finished second in the voting, Cardinal Ciccola.
More traditional to the standards of selecting a chief prelate from the Italians, Cardinal Ciccola ran a tight race in the early balloting, but finally succumbed, because...
no one wanted a Pope Ciccola.
Cows
NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes.
They called it the herd shot round the world.
Paint
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a nickel where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the scaffolds and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Quasimodo
Quasimodo goes to his doctor for an annual physical.
"I think there is something wrong with your back," says the doctor.
Quasimodo replies, "Really? What makes you think so?"."I'm not sure," says the doctor, "it's just a hunch."
Music
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
Labor
A woman goes into labor. Her faithful husband rushes her to the hospital and tends to her as she goes through the delivery process.
At one point she shouts out, "Can't, shouldn't, won't, doesn't!" and then lies back down.
"What is it doctor, is it something serious?", asks the man.
"Naw", the doctor says,
"She's just going into contractions ...."
Sheriff
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
Jaguar
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
Prawns
There were two prawns, James and Christian, swimming along the bottom of the ocean. James accidentally rubs up against an old lantern and whoosh, a genie appears and grants James two wishes.
After a moment's thought James decides that he wants to becomes a shark so as to gain the respect of all the creatures of the sea. Whoosh, James becomes a shark and swims off.
Two weeks later James is upset. All of his old friends are now afraid of him and his life is miserable. He decides to use his second wish, and he wishes to be a prawn once again. Whoosh.... Now a prawn once more, James swims away to look for his mate Christian.
When he arrives at Christian's house he knocks on the door and shouts out for Christian. "Go away", says Christian, "you're a shark and you'll just eat me".
"No I won't", shouts James,
"I'm a prawn again Christian".
Alligator
The zoo's biggest alligator is not feeling well. After weeks of trying everything the zoo keepers suggest he can't stand it anymore. He goes to the vet and says:
"Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. Not so long ago I could swim under water for a long time and I could catch any animal I wanted. Now I have to wait for it to swim by me and hope I can catch it. Can you help me?"
The vet examines the alligator, not sure what is the cause of the alligator's distress, he runs some tests. Later the vet comes back with a prescription.
"Take one of these every day before you go hunting." the vet tells the alligator.
"What is it?" asks the alligator.
"It's similar to Viagra", the vet explains.
"Wait! Hold on a minute. I don't have that problem!" exclaims the alligator.
"Well" said the vet...
"this medicine is for a reptile dysfunction"
Art Theft
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
And YOU thought I lacked De Gaulle to tell you a story like this?
But then, I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
Antennas
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Tom Jones
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual."
Cows Redux
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Invisible Man
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
Amputee
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've amputated your arms!"
Rooster
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Dickens
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks:"Olive or twist?"
Daiquiri
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
Wish
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied,
"When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
Foal
A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old.
He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
Resume
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
Next, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience
Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, I tried retirement and found that I'm perfect for the job!
Guru
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men and philosophers, representing all aspects of belief and including one aged guru reputed to have achieved Nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus.
The traveler was astonished when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched except the asparagus-eater.
"This is not incredible," explained the guide.
"Bliss is the awning of the sage of asparagus."
Clearly
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing,
"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone..."
Artifacts
Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge.
Upon examining his dolls, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that they were only cheap Sioux veneers.
Level Road
There's this civil engineer who has a dream of a super-interstate-highway running from Los Angeles to Washington DC. After years of lobbying, he finally is awarded a contract to construct a perfectly-flat, perfectly-straight 16-lanes-each-direction highway from Los Angeles to Washington. So he employs all the best surveyors, to make sure the highway is a perfect straight-line from LA to DC and to make sure it stays perfectly flat. He subcontracts with only the best construction crews and uses only the best materials. He decides the existing tunnel-diggers and mountain removers just aren't up to the job, so he has bigger ones built, ones that can remove a half-mile swath of the Rockies in a week. They start in LA, and a few months later, they're overlooking the greater Washington metropolis.
Just one more hill to remove before they start work on the terminus and the merging into DC's outer belts. It's a small hill, really, but it's got to go. So they call in one of the smaller mountain-removers to remove it, and just as the machine's getting ready to erase the hill, a snake pops up out of the hill and screams "Wait!"
Obviously, this catches everyone by surprise, so they wait. The snake continues, "My name's Nate. Nate the Snake. You can't destroy this hill! You mustn't!"
"Why not?"
"Because there's a lever buried under this hill, and it's attached to a doomsday device. If the lever is tripped, it'll blow up the entire Earth!"
The engineer consults with his team. "What do you think?" "It's a talking snake." "Yeah, but do we believe him? Do we go around the hill, or do we plow it over?" "Do we believe him!? It's a talking snake! Who'd believe us?" In the end, they decide to err on the side of caution and build the highway around the hill. So, when they're finished, they've got a highway running from LA to DC that's perfectly-flat and perfectly-straight, except for this minor detour around a hill.
So they've got the ribbon-cutting ceremony, and as a perq for designing and building the highway, the engineer gets to be the very first person to use it. So he hops into his Lambourghini in LA at dawn and floors the pedal. 30, 40, 50mph. Shifts into 2d gear. 70, 90, 110mph. He keeps accelerating until the car just can's go any faster.
Shortly before sunset, he's approaching DC, and he remembers the hill. So he slows down to around 225mph to negotiate the slight turn. And he sees Nate crossing the road! He can't squish a talking snake! Especially one that kept them from blowing up the Earth. So he swerves to avoid hitting Nate and plows into the hill at over 200mph. He trips the lever and the Earth blows up.
The moral of the story...
Better Nate than lever.
Red Head
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies...'You just happened to catch my eye!'
Descartes
Rene DeCartes walks into a house of ill repute. A bevy of working girls goes by for his inspection. With two of them in tow behind him, he asks the bouncer to direct him to the bedroom. The bouncer points up a flight of stairs. At that moment, the Madam - standing at the top of the stairs - yells down:
"Stop! You're putting DeCartes before de whores."
Pride
Did you hear about the narcissistic lion whose females turned on him?
It was his pride that did him in.
Dwarf
A dwarf from Prague was fleeing the police. He slipped into a store and asked the cashier,
"Could you cache a small Czech?"
Newt
A man walked into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. "I'll have one whiskey for me," he said, "and one for Tiny here."
The bartender poured two whiskeys, then said, "If you don't mind my asking, why do you call him Tiny?"
"Because he's my newt!"
Dysentery
On the Oregon Trail, a settler encounters a traveling man named Terry. The settler laughs and tells him Terry is a girl's name. Terry shoots the settler.
He died from dissin' Terry
Nazis
It's some time in the second world war and Hitler's top scientists have built a time machine. Eager to use it, but fearing an accident, the fuhrer instead sends one of his henchman forward to 1985, hoping to gain knowledge of the future to use against his enemies.
Much to his chagrin however, the henchman quickly returns to the present with only a Casio Keyboard in hand. Breathless with excitement, he declares "Mein Fuhrer! With this device we shall wage sonic warfare on our enemies!" He hits the demo button and the room is filled with music.
"So... what do you think?" asks the henchman.
Hitler, aghast at this otherworldly device says:
"You must be mad Schultz! There's no place in this world for a Nazi Synthesizer!"
Weasel
A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel.
"Sir, you look extremely young. I can't serve you even a single beer."
"Oh c'mon. You can't just slide me one?"
"I can't and will not serve to anyone under age."
"Fine. Well what other things do you have?"
"Well for non-alcoholics I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?"
"Pop." Goes the weasel.
Chaucer
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?"
Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
Steaks
With weed now being legalized all over the US, farmers have noticed a disturbing trend: Cattle are wandering into the weed patches, eating it and getting stoned.
The steaks have never been higher.
Artist
Why did the mathematician fail as an artist?
His work was derivative.
Bounty
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender asks why?.
The pirate replies, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!
Tractors
James had hundreds of tractors, he had blue ones, green ones, yellow ones. He was absolutely obsessed.
One day, James went to a tractor convention. He was extremely excited and while at the convention, he was looking at all the different tractors, taking pictures. While he was running to get a picture with a massive tractor, he got run over by a tractor.
He had to spend 2 weeks in hospital. After this, he didn't like tractors anymore, he absolutely despised them.
When he walked out of hospital, the shopping mall opposite the hospital was on fire.
James ran over, went inside and sucked out as much smoke as possible, ran outside and blew it out, and repeated this until all the smoke was gone.
When the firemen arrived and asked James where all the smoke had gone, he replied:
"I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Keyboard
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after human places, landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "Where's the pub?"
The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!"
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's called "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?"
The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender."
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
"Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut asks.
"I do." The bartender gurgles back.
"Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks.
"Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!"
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat...
"The reason it's called the Keyboard is because... it's a space bar."
Punchline
During his decades of reign, a tyrant had used many cruel and unusual punishments against those who had stood against him. He had people doused in boiling water, he had cut limbs off people without just cause, he had them crucified and more.
He enjoyed watching people suffer. However, his being a sadist didn't stop him from being a coward. He hardly ever actually partook in the tortures he put his subjects through. However, he had cultivated a taste for striking his subjects square on their faces, randomly and without reason.
Wherever he visited, his citizens were subjected to this humiliation. It didn't matter whether it was a man, woman or child -- when the tyrant visited a village or a town, he had the residents all organized in a line and he moved from one to the other, gleefully enjoying the pain in his subjects' faces are they received his blows. Those who flinched were to be subjected to worse torture, which he again enjoyed watching. People had no choice but to quietly receive their hits.
Now that he was defeated by the rebellion, and a fair king sat on the throne, the day soon came for the tyrant to be punished. The new king decided that the tyrant would be publicly humiliated, much like he had done to the citizens of the kingdom and then executed.
On the day of the tyrant's punishment, vast crowds gathered, all eager at the chance to pay the tyrant back for the humiliation they had suffered.
Peter, a frail old farmer from the capital, who had been subjected to the sadistic whims of the tyrant more than once, entered the field where the punishment was being handed out glad to finally get a chance to strike the tyrant in the face. As he entered, he saw long organized lines and in the distance, in a raised stage, the tyrant. The citizens of the kingdom climbed the stage one by one, hit the tyrant and then moved on.
A knight took Peter by the hand and led him to a line that was mostly made up of women and children.
Incensed at being grouped with women and children, Peter tapped the shoulder of the knight and asked, "What's this? Why am I in the line with the women and children?"
The knight replied, "What did you expect? You're weak and old."
"And?" challenged Peter.
"And... this is the weak punchline."
Elvis
Whenever Elvis graced the bar stools at the steakhouse, he never failed to order a rare steak, bordering raw, and oozing greasily at the edges; and during the interviews after the musician's untimely death, none of the waiters could deny that:
he loved meat tender.
Hugh
Prior to his CNN career, Wolf Blitzer slummed the gossip magazines, once inquiring of Hugh Grant's then-wife, Liz Hurley, why he had never been in a film with Virginia Madsen, to which she replied,
"Hugh's afraid of Virginia, Wolf."
Adders
The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out.
Says he, "Go and multiply."
Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.
"What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.
Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need logs to multiply."
One Liners
- Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It's a light sentence and gives them time to reflect.
- Every morning I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere an runs me over. It's a vicious cycle.
- I recently got a part time job making chess pieces. Now I'm working knights.
- My friend drove his expensive car into a tree...and found out how his Mercedes bends.
- What do you call a mathematician who fakes an injury? Fibinouchie.
- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
- Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
- Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
- Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
- I applied for a job as a barber, but I didn't make the cut.
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep off the Grass."
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
- An Argentine cowboy dancing on a newly waxed floor would result in gaucho marks.
- What happened when Matilda backed into the lawn mower? Disaster.
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
- Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
- Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
- A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
- Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
- What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
- He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
- A plateau is a high form of flattery.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done
- Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, "We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide."
- After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to sing, "Some day my prints will come."
- A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'"
- A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen.
- Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots.
- A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
- We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
- Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
- Velcro - what a rip off!
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- What kind of dog did the cowboy buy? A dachshund, because he wanted to get a long little doggie.
- What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners.
- Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Fortunately, the injuries were only super fish oil.
- I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- The meaning of opaque is unclear.
- I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
- Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
- A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
- If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
- It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
- It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
- So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
- Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
- The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
- Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
- Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
- I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
- The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
- What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
- Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
- My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
- What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
- A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
- There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
- How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.
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