Humorous

Office Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Life as a Male

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,
she cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an  exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met.
She made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with big tits.

What I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just morons.

I've learned that it takes years to buildup trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Paraprosdokian Sentences

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • "When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in fear like his passengers." -- Jim Larkin
  • "God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Anonymous
  • "If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." -- Henry J. Tillman
  • "I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." -- Will Rogers
  • "She got her good looks from her father, he's a plastic surgeon." -- Groucho Marx
  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
  • "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know." -- Groucho Marx
  • "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
  • "Take my wife, please." -- Henny Youngman
  • "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." -- Mitch Hedberg
  • "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life." -- Mitch Hedberg
  • "You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." - Mitch Hedberg
  • "I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks." -- Emo Philips
  • "When I was 10 I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage." -- Emo Philips
  • "Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist." -- Emo Philips
  • "I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'" -- Emo Philips
  • "If I could say a few words, I would be a better public speaker." -- Homer Simpson
  • "If I am reading this graph correctly, I would be very surprised." -- Stephen Colbert
  • "Mark my words. No, Mark, I really need my words." . Stephen Colbert
  • "If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end, I wouldn't be surprised." -- Dorothy Parker
  • "It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs." -- Jack Handey
  • "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." -- Jack Handey
  • "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." -- Jack Handey
  • "On the other hand, we have different fingers." -- Jack Handey
  • "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -- Jack Handey
  • "Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books." -- Jack Handey
  • "Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared." -- Jack Handey
  • "Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?" -- Jack Handey
  • "I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." -- Jack Handey
  • "I blew a speaker in my car the other day. Yeah, I think he was a... motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth but I feel a lot more positive." -- Doug Stanhope
  • "I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through" -- Glenn Quagmire
  • "You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else." -- Winston Churchill
  • "It has been said that democracy is the worst form of Government except all those other forms that have been tried." -- Winston Churchill
  • "If you are going through hell, keep going." -- Winston Churchill

Chickens

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a perfunctory 3-word memo:

"Thaw the chicken"

Dog Quotes

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck

Tombstone

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

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